Thought From Quarantine: Day…21?

They say it takes 21 days to form a habit, to learn to do something new. If that’s the case, then, by some logic property long since forgotten, it must also be true that it takes 21 days to unlearn something.

Here are some new habits formed, other things lost that I will need to relearn, as well as some things found (out), in order to be properly released, like a rehabilitated bird, back into what truly will be the “wild”:

1. How To Drive A Car: I have honest-to-god forgotten which is the gas pedal and which is the brake. I suppose I’ll remember before my car leaves the driveway, that is, if it starts again after being idle all this time. Just saying that, if you were to swap out my old Infiniti for a stick-shift Peugeot and told me that we drive on the left side of the road, I’d believe you at this point. Perhaps we should all need to complete a few days of Drivers Ed before we get back on the road… perhaps many of us could use it anyway.
2. How To Put On Pants: Left leg first? Or right? What is the proper American way? If theyd o it one way in the Southern Hemisphere, do we do it the opposite way in the Northern?

2B.) How To Put on A Dress Shirt: Button from the bottom up? Or top down? Middle out?

2C) How To Put on A Belt and Tie My Shoes… Eff it- I’m wearing a v-neck, sweatpants and Crocs with socks forever.

1. What Replaces A Handshake? Speaking of the “proper American way”, what will replace the unofficial national greeting now that I’ll never want to touch your swampy, unexplainably smooth right hand again, nor would you want to touch my rough, manly, perfectly-contoured paw? A “‘wassup”-like head nod? Will we turn around and twerk at each other? Perhaps snap face masks back onto our faces as a conciliatory gesture of good tidings … Or will we simply just say, “Hello”?
2. How To Comb My Hair Although, frankly, my new “slick it back and let gravity work its magic” routine is both efficient and effective and my wife seems to dig it.
3. How To Stop Questioning Celebrities’ Taste In Home Decor: You’d think Tom Hanks would have a bigger kitchen. Or Stephen Colbert wouldn’t have a green living room floor. Or Jimmy Fallon wouldn’t live in a tinderbox…albeit a Hamptons tinderbox. I shouldn’t be so judgemental… my living room is littered with all sorts of tot and toddler debris and the odd dirty shot glass.
4. How to Homeschool, just in case. I’ll need to apply for a degree in education from University of Phoenix so I can help teach my kids the multiplication table and long division, just so my kids can make it through the 4th grade and then get a smartphone. Go Fighting Couch Potatoes!
5. Hygiene I’ve finally begun trusting Mitchum deodorant’s “48 Hour” claim and learned it’s more like 40. Close enough. Save the environment. Every other day, it is.
6. I’ll need to see if my wedding ring still fits as I’ve actually LOST the Covid 15. Turns out sitting sedentary in a chair for hours upon hours, with easy access to a pantry full of fruit roll-up, has resulted in healthier habits than what I had when I was at my office stand-up desks, doing clapping push ups after each email sent. Go figure.
7. See, once my smell and taste fully return after having coronavirus, if my body accepts anything other than yogurt, grilled chicken, and grilled chicken with vegetables. Say a hot fudge mint chocolate chip sundae with Reese’s Pieces, marshmallow fluff, crushed waffle cone, whipped cream and tiny chunks of twice-fried churros topped off by a Fireball shot…for instance.

I’ve no doubt that I can reacclimate to society, should there be a society to reacclimate to, given all I’ve unlearned and learned in captivity. Just please first direct me which way is east and which is west on the LIE.