A Guide To Face Mask Fashion
Face masks, it seems, are destined to be as essential to our wardrobe as underwear. That is to say, don’t wear ’em at your own peril. Personally, I chafe at the thought of it.
The benefits of this apt apparel, of course, are numerous: bad breath shrouded, acne cloaked, lives saved and the ability to mouth curse words at people while they’re right in front six feet in front of you among the most prominent.
And while there seems to be a plethora of information on the proper way to wear a face mask, there’s very little advice on just what is the proper face mask to wear when. What’s a fella or fellette to do when they open the top drawer to a daunting array of over-garments?
As a noted fashionista whose credentials include his lauded collection of band t-shirts, V-necks and sweatpants, I am confident such wardrobe decisions need not be as obscure as our kissers are destined to become. Just follow my definitive guide:
Firstly, I do recommend you pre-order the upcoming Apple iMask. Confusing as it may be, as it’s not at all for your eyes, the iMask not only filters out deadly particles in the atmosphere but tracks every breath you take as well. The aim is 15,000 breaths per day. Anything below that and you might be dead. Fear not, however, for if the iMask senses you might be dead, it immediately sends funeral and related service ads to your next of kin.
Everyday Use: Might I recommend a denim face mask for convenience and style? They pair with most anything and the best part is, they can go months without needing a wash!
Black Tie Affair: A jet black face mask is recommended; however a deep blue would also suffice as it’s likely you haven’t worn a fancy black face mask since your wedding day.
Private School: A strict dress code calls for short, plaid face masks for girls, and a one-size-too-big khaki variety for boys.
Christmas Time: Your grandmother went through all that time and trouble to knit you a hunter-green woolen face mask with antlers on it. Best you wear it.
Bar/Bat Mitzvah: Pick up a commemorative face mask in the colors of the honoree’s favorite sports team, right next to the yarmulkes.
First Date: You’d better match that profile pic from six years ago. Squeezing into a set of skinny-masks would do the trick.
Hot Summer Day: A slimming plunge-mask, showing off just a subtle hint of lip cleavage.
Office: Pick up one of Brooks’ Brothers new checkered button-down masks or pick up the new line of “BIRX by Dr. Deb” face scarves.
Bank Robbing: While the Wild-West bandanna face mask may be back in style, might I suggest no face mask at all? Just go in mouth a-coughin’ and a clear path to the vault will be yours.
Gym: Choose a moisture-wicking antimicrobial spandex to cover your spout.
Intimacy: Spice it up with face mask lingerie- a sexy and seductive fusion of lace, mesh and pathogen-preventing properties.
Deep Thinking: A 5 o’clock shadow mask, with built-in stubble. Men can still play the sophisticate without sacrificing public safety, and women can finally get in on the action as well.
Concert: In addition to your noise-blocking earplugs, it’s polite to wear a face mask with sound-blocking technology, so as to suppress mindless babble during slow songs, tuneless hyena-singing and constant requests for “Freebird”.
Baseball Game: Best to wait for “Face Mask Night, Presented By Delta”
Sleeping: You may already be employing a sleeping mask, why not purchase a lower-face velcro-extension? Better yet, I suggest you opt for the DIY option and just put a black sock over your head.
Backyard BBQ: If hosting, a face mask that clearly and just as banally states: “Kiss Me & I’m Taking You Down With Me.”
Beach/Pool: Take the popular “bikini face mask”, which covers the nose and the chin but leaves the mouth bare. Or, for men, the “board face mask”, which only covers your chin with a pattern of some kind of flower native to Hawaii. Sure you may still be exposed, but such is the norm at the beach, be it harmful exposure from the sun or a 300-pound man in Speedos.
Graduation: Black with a little tassel hanging off the chin, two if you’re an honors student, and enough room to write “Thanks Mom & Dad’. It should also have a quick release function, so you can fling it into the air in climactic glee. Just make sure the one you take home is your own.
Shelter-In-Place Protests: I’m noticing that American Flag-themed face masks, with 30-odd stars, 9 or so stripes, and “freedom” spelled with a “u” are popular these days. Pick one up at your local mall kiosk.
Birthday: Choose a face mask that leaves your nose free, so you can blow out candles with a swift outward snort.
Funeral: The best way to respect the dead is to wear your facemask at half-mast. Of course, this is also the best way to join them. So, it goes. What better way to fully-experience a funeral than a meditation on the dualities of life?
If you follow these rules, you cannot go wrong. Just, for the love of god, never EVER wear a white face mask after Labor Day!
